Doubt

Molest-acular!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Beautiful but slow, kinda like Denise Richards.

Bio Zombie

His roommate: Poli-Sci Werewolf

I Am Legend

If I were Will Smith's agent, I would advise him to follow the success of "I, Robot" and "I Am Legend" with the poetry slam throw-down epic "Iambic Pentameter" and the Latin themed "¡Aye Carumba!"

H.H. Holmes: America's First Serial Killer

He wanted to be America's first pastry chef, but that milestone had already been reached. Here's to plan B!

To Live and Die in L.A.

Let's see... 236, 237 and 238... It's official! Friedkin used every single '80's cop-movie cliché in this poo magnet.

Robot Stories

It was the best of times, it was the worst of... DESTROY! DESTROY! ...Ahem, as I was saying, call me Ishmael, you lowly mortal flesh puppet... STORY MALFUNCTION - ABORT! ABORT!

**This entry was brought to you by the WGA writers' strike.

Midsomer Murders: Strangler's Wood

Choking the life out of somebody is rude enough, but to do so while sporting a massive boner is just unseemly.

People Will Talk

Y'mean millions of organisms that possess the power of speech will eventually utilize that skill? Gee, that's quite a prediction there, Nostra-Dumbass.

Star 80

Well made, but Eric Roberts is going to get a tummyache if he keeps chewing all that scenery

This Is England

Well, that explains all of the crooked dentistry and lingering Revolutionary War angst

Rashomon

I liked this movie... as far as I can recall.

Sleeping with the Enemy

Been there, done that

Cybermutt

His bark is worse than his BYTE

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry

Man, how much cocaine were they doing in the '70's, anyway? Answer: this much.

Hide and Seek

Dakota Fanning's creepiest performance since "Uptown Girls"

The Life Aquatic

Hmm, looks like someone thinks their shit doesn't stink. Well, I'm here to tell you, it does.

My Girl

I especially liked the scene in which the prison rape was interrupted by a shiv-a-thon... Oh, wait, that was "My Bitch." Sorry.

Deliverance

Soooo romantic

Cold Creek Manor

I once took a crap that was more entertaining than this movie

The Virgin Suicides

Hi, I'm disaffected. Me too! Let's be sisters!

The Dancer Upstairs

Her downstairs neighbors must hate her

Basket Case

Judging from the title, I thought it would be about a sassy lawyer, played by Shaquille O'Neal. I'm so glad I was wrong.

Soylent Green

Let's just say that soylent green ain't exactly a vegan dish

Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit

They stole my idea! I wrote a screenplay entitled "Junkies 2: Back in the Habit." Coincidence?