Sarah, Plain and Tall

Uh, Sarah? You might want to consider jazzing up that personals ad just a smidge

Kindergarten Cop

It's naht a gud moovie!

To the Devil a Daughter

...And to my Aunt Gladys, new panty hose!

The Day After Tomorrow

The forecast calls for crap

Purgatory House

Without a doubt, THE worst frat on campus

The Way We Were

Y'mean, thin and cute?

Spider-Man 3

Hey, could you answer that? It's the entire cast and crew of "Spider-Man 3" phoning it in. Eh, on second thought, just let the Half-Assed Movie Answering Service take a message.

Bernice Bobs Her Hair

Almost as compelling as "Gordon Shaves His Pubes" ...Almost

Air Force One

Or, according to ridiculous-looking film critic Gene Shalit, "Air Force FUN!"

The Living Dead Girl

Tina Yothers?

I Remember Mama

Who wouldn't remember her? She's a smelly, 300-pound slut. And thus begins my thoroughly unwelcome series of momma jokes. Enjoy...

Greenfingers

I got a wicked case of greenfingers the last time I fooled around with your mom [please see my review of "How Green Was My Valley?"]

Fantastic Four

If this were a film about your mom, it would be called "Fantastic Whore," and the audience would be WISHING she were invisible

The Living Daylights

You could say that I fucked [this movie's title] out of your mom last night

Eating Out

Your mom keeps asking me to watch this movie with her, but I think the whole thing smells fishy

How Green Was My Valley?

This is what your mom asked during her last gynecological exam

Brian's Song

And it goes a little something like this: "I am Brian, hear me roar / With cancer too big to ignore!" Quick question - do you think I'll be comfy in Hell?

Sex in Chains

Is there any other kind of sex?

Falling for a Dancer

You were supposed to catch me, bitch! Where did you study dance, ITT Tech?

The Wrong Man

a.k.a. "Every Guy I've Ever Dated"

The Road to Guantanamo

If you terrorists in the back seat don't behave, I will turn this car around, I swear to Allah!

A Bucket of Blood

No thanks; I'm more in the mood for a salad

Barefoot in the Park

Put on some goddamned shoes, already. I mean, I was "Pantsless at the Library" once, but I didn't make a movie about it.

Mailer on Mailer

Call me old-fashioned, but I could have done without the penetration shots

Maria Full of Grace

Or, more to the point, Maria Full of Drugs

The Beast Must Die

This is the mantra I repeat to myself while masturbating

Pieces of April

More like a piece of something else... Shit - I'm talking about shit.

Sholay

The first Pig Latin movie to win the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film... Ongratulations-cay!

Songcatcher

I keep getting "Copa Cabana" stuck in the intake valve

A Love to Hide

...In your butt. And the maturity award goes to Kevin Perry!

Mozart and the Whale

What a rude way to describe Mozart's wife

Manderlay

If I wanted to see a movie about a misspelled casino, I'd watch "Seazars Pallace"

Daddy Day Care

Instead of watching this dreck, just go ahead and impale your groin on a rusty spike, covered in Tapatio [see, I'm attempting to woo my first sponsor]

Secondhand Lions

As my mother once said, "Always buy NEW lions; you never know where they've been." She also said "Bottoms up" a lot.

Still Crazy

...The Anne Heche story

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts

Apparently, Hong Kong is in dire need of a Lenscrafters

The Story of the Weeping Camel

Same old story: camel buys an ice cream cone, camel drops said ice cream cone - cue the waterworks

Imaginary Heroes

Y'mean, like Jesus?

Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All

Includes such revelations as "I'm chilly" and "That negro doctor stole my panties"

After Dark, My Sweet

That's when we go to Taco Bell, mon amour

The Naked Zoo

Please don't feed the sluts

Crossroads

...Again, please don't feed the sluts

Rock 'N' Roll Frankenstein

And you thought DISCO was dead! ...Why doesn't anyone love me?

Ghost

Fucking die, already

House of Sand and Fog

How does it stay up? Is that a load-bearing fog? What's the rent? I'll take it!

Dreamer

In this film, Dakota Fanning has to pretend that she owns a pony but, in reality, she has five ponies. Now, that's acting.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Day 1: Make him watch this shit-fest

Rabbit-Proof Fence

A fence that keeps out rabbits? What's next, a cup that holds water? Holy sarcasm!

I Am Sam

Were the filmmakers also retarded? Because this movie is insultingly bad.

Big Momma's House

Hmm, that morbidly obese woman sure does love pussy. Wait, it's Martin Lawrence! Big Momma, you so crazy.