Best Legs in the 8th Grade

As seen on over 1 million pedophiles' Top Ten Lists!

Swing Time

From the makers of "The Teeter-Totter Brigade" and "Jungle Gym-Kata"

Slumber Party Massacre

Unlike its cast, this film is totally flat

Broken Vows

...Such as, "I promise not to make a shitty movie"

Little Children

In addition to its numerous Oscar nominations, I would like to bestow "Little Children" with the coveted trophy for Worst Date Movie of the Year.

I Am David

Congratu-fucking-lations

Wrong Is Right

Isn't this George W. Bush's foreign policy?

Death Ride to Osaka

Hey, it beats flying Southwest

Just Like Heaven

If Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo were a couple in real life, their celebrity nickname would be "Reesalo." Y'know when I figured that out? During this unfunny snoozefest.

The Dukes of Hazzard

A "Dukes of Hazzard" movie with a pro-environment message? That's like a mosquito wearin' bug spray! [cue the guitar twang musical sting]

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege

Sarajevo has never been so zany!

K-Pax

It K-Sux

Cool Hand Luke

It's best not to dwell on the unfortunate sequel, "Stink-Finger Barney"

Find Me Guilty

...Of horrible acting? OK, Vin Diesel, you're guilty.

The Three Stooges: Kings of Laughter

I demand a recount

Somersault

TAGLINE: You'll flip for it!

Unforgivable Blackness: The Rise and Fall of Jack Johnson

"Unforgivable Blackness" sounds more like the rise and fall of Martin Lawrence

Outland

a.k.a. "West Hollywood"

Wine for Dummies

If ever a film was marketed directly at your mom, this would be it

Book of Love

SPOILER ALERT: The novel referenced in this movie's title is actually Judy Blume's "Superfudge"

Kickin' It Old Skool

Jamie Kennedy can't open a movie; he can barely open a bank account

The Donnie McClurkin Story: From Darkness to Light

I hope this particular story contains a healthy dose of mocking the name Donnie McClurkin

Gene Kelly: Anatomy of a Dancer

Surprisingly explicit!

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee

...Heart at wounded knee, got it. Now, where do you suggest I bury your knee, smart-ass? I'm so over this coroner job.

Drunks

I swear, that is the LAST time I allow a camera crew into one of my family reunions

Man on Fire

...Flamer

Steve Harvey: Don't Trip... He Ain't Through with Me Yet!

Steve Harvey has so little charisma that I couldn't even finish reading this title

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

This movie comes with a free vagina wash

Tibet: Cry of the Snow Lion

Meow, I'm fucking cold, meow... Free Tibet!

Dogville

Population: your mom

Teach Me Drums

What, no "please?" Maybe they should have called it "Teach Me Some Fucking Manners"

Born Rich

...The Rich Little story, guest-starring Rich Hall and Richard Dawson

Viva Las Vegas

Memo to Ann-Margret: it's called "Decaf." Look into it.

Phat Girlz

This movie was so low-budget, they couldn't afford spell-check

Saint Ralph

Patron of quality groceries at an affordable price

Road House

To call this movie "Piss poor" would be an insult to urine

Disturbia

Tastes like "Rear Window" flavored bubble gum. Mmm, Peeper-licious!

Aeon Flux

May I suggest an alternate title: "Aeon Sux"

Mark Twain Tonight

No thanks, I feel like Chicken Tonight [echo - "Like Chicken Tonight! Like Chicken Tonight!"]

Desperate Hours

More specifically, the time between last call and whenever I resort to masturbation

Someone to Watch Over Me

Sorry, but that position is already taken by a little friend I like to call "Jesus"

The Devil at 4 O'Clock

Hi, this is the Devil's secretary calling to apologize, but we'll have to reschedule. He's got a 3:45 with Cheney and then he's off to an Amy Grant concert, so 4 o'clock just won't work.

Ice Princess

As meth addicts go, she's the most adorable

The Best of Riverdance

The good news: this movie's only three minutes long

The Keys of the Kingdom

They're hidden under the doormat of the kingdom

Goldfish Memory

Yeah, me and my buddies often get together, scarf down some cheddar Goldfish crackers and reminisce about the time we killed that hooker in Mexico... Good times...

Blind Date

You're going out with Helen Keller? That chick is def! ...Hey, where are you going?

Serving Sara

Comes with a heaping side of Regret

Love Jones

Perhaps this is a telling glimpse into my psyche, but I prefer "Non-Committal Lust Williamson"

Dreamgirls

Upon winning her Oscar, Jennifer Hudson was overheard saying, "Is it filled with chocolate? Can I trade it for a ham? I'm fat."