The Rosa Parks Story

It's kind of like "Speed," but with a slower bus

Just Cause

Or, as I call it, "Just Watch a Different Movie"

Jaws: The Revenge

TAGLINE: This time, it's far-fetched

Larry the Cable Guy: Git-R-Done

If by "R," you mean assassinating this unfunny half-wit, then yes, I'd love to "Git-R-Done"

Hostile Waters

Sounds like Saddam's jacuzzi

Love Comes Softly

Unless you do it right!

Dangerous Liaisons

As usual, Keanu Reeves' bravura performance puts his co-stars' amateurish fumblings to shame. In your face, Glenn Close!

The Big One

Michael Moore used this same title to describe his last bowel movement... and subsequent heart attack

Jefferson in Paris

Much like "Washington Does Vegas," this filth-fest showcases some hot wig-on-wig action

Searching for Bobby Fischer

HINT: Simply follow the chess-nerd smell

Oyster Farmer

Without a doubt, this is my favorite euphemism for "Lesbian"

CQ

If Francis Ford Coppola's lousy bitch-babies continue to make shitty movies, then I'll be forced to stop watching them.

Noam Chomsky: Distorted Morality: America's War on Terror?

And coming soon: "Noam Chomsky: Colon Enthusiast: How Long Will This Title Go On? Answer: Too Long"

Five Easy Pieces

Let's see, there's your mom and... what are the other four?

The Last of the Mohicans

No more Mohicans? But, I'm so hungry.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The worst thing to happen to the lone-star state since the birth of George W. Bush

Shark Skin Man and Peach Hip Girl

Those Snapple flavors just keep getting more and more wacky

Can't Stop the Music

Audience reaction: Can't Stop the Puking

Welcome to Mooseport

They should have called it "Welcome to Moose-Shit." ...On second thought, they should have just made a better movie.

An Affair of Love

And after we're done with that, we can eat The Meal of Food

Death Wish 5: The Face of Death

Featuring Lil' Jimmy Death-Legs and his Death House Dancers

The Iron Giant

Isn't this your mom's pet-name for her dildo? Oh, wait, she just calls it "The Trash Can." My bad.

Anaconda

[This movie] don't want none unless you got buns, hon

John Tucker Must Die

I can't believe I watched the whole thing!