Robot Stories

It was the best of times, it was the worst of... DESTROY! DESTROY! ...Ahem, as I was saying, call me Ishmael, you lowly mortal flesh puppet... STORY MALFUNCTION - ABORT! ABORT!

**This entry was brought to you by the WGA writers' strike.

Midsomer Murders: Strangler's Wood

Choking the life out of somebody is rude enough, but to do so while sporting a massive boner is just unseemly.

People Will Talk

Y'mean millions of organisms that possess the power of speech will eventually utilize that skill? Gee, that's quite a prediction there, Nostra-Dumbass.

Star 80

Well made, but Eric Roberts is going to get a tummyache if he keeps chewing all that scenery

This Is England

Well, that explains all of the crooked dentistry and lingering Revolutionary War angst

Rashomon

I liked this movie... as far as I can recall.

Sleeping with the Enemy

Been there, done that

Cybermutt

His bark is worse than his BYTE

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry

Man, how much cocaine were they doing in the '70's, anyway? Answer: this much.

Hide and Seek

Dakota Fanning's creepiest performance since "Uptown Girls"

The Life Aquatic

Hmm, looks like someone thinks their shit doesn't stink. Well, I'm here to tell you, it does.

My Girl

I especially liked the scene in which the prison rape was interrupted by a shiv-a-thon... Oh, wait, that was "My Bitch." Sorry.

Deliverance

Soooo romantic

Cold Creek Manor

I once took a crap that was more entertaining than this movie

The Virgin Suicides

Hi, I'm disaffected. Me too! Let's be sisters!

The Dancer Upstairs

Her downstairs neighbors must hate her

Basket Case

Judging from the title, I thought it would be about a sassy lawyer, played by Shaquille O'Neal. I'm so glad I was wrong.

Soylent Green

Let's just say that soylent green ain't exactly a vegan dish

Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit

They stole my idea! I wrote a screenplay entitled "Junkies 2: Back in the Habit." Coincidence?

Things We Lost in the Fire

I think I'll miss my fire insurance policy the most

Bastard out of Carolina

Is there any other kind of Carolinian?

Bloodsucking Freaks

The producers figured that this was a catchier title than "TMZ: The Movie"

Dance with a Stranger

In my opinion, the Funky Chicken should always be done anonymously

Bjork: Hidden Place

Not to ruin the ending, but the title refers to Bjork's cooter, which she nicknamed "Little Reykjavic." True story.

Match Point

Wildly uneven, repetitive and heavy-handed. In short, Woody Allen's best film in years!