Ichi the Killer

Other highlights of Ichi's résumé include multitasking, being a real "people person" and 2 years with the Ice Capades

The Hitcher

Of all the airheaded bimbos in the history of slasher flicks, I'd say that C. Thomas Howell is the dumbest (and quite a slut, to boot)

Liberty Stands Still

This is definitely on my list of films to see, right below "Paint Drying" and "This Sore Is Getting Bigger"

Runaway Jury

Hey, that jury stole my wallet... and my heart!

The Horse Whisperer

Psst! This movie sucks.

10,000 Black Men Named George

Let's see, there's George Washington Carver, George Jefferson... OK, I'm tapped - who are the other 9,998?

Bitter Moon

Sample line of dialogue: "Kiss my hairy, cratered ass!"

Sunshine

Y'know what makes me happy? This movie on my shoulder.

2.8% of the proceeds from this joke will go to John Denver's widow

What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

ANSWER: His big, fat mom

OK, so I feel kind of bad about this one... But, not as bad as Fatty Mom-Burger!

Crackheads Gone Wild

As opposed to the sedate, tea-sipping crackheads to which we're all accustomed

Speed 2: Cruise Control

Comes with optional Speed 3: Anti-Lock Brakes

Black Mama, White Mama

This is, word for word, how my mother introduced me to her lesbian lover(s)

Being Mick: You Would If You Could

Gee, someone's full of himself. But, enough about me...

Ransom

"Give me back my $10 admission fee!"

[see, I replaced "son" with something more accurate]

The Love Bug

Don't sugar-coat it, doc; it's called "chlamydia"

300

...That's how many boners I got while watching this homo-thon

The Strangler's Wife

Honey, could you buy some more piano wire?

The Human Stain

Looks like Monica Lewinsky made a movie*

*This joke expires in June, 1998

The Last Seduction

No more seductions until after dinner, young man

The Devil's Advocate

Supporting evil decisions since 1732

The Shape of the Moon

Let me save you some time - IT'S ROUND

Ringside: The Best of Mike Tyson

WARNING: May contain lots of rape

Sexual Matrix

Undoubtedly, one of my favorite lessons in school - it's right up there with the Logarithm Method and the Blowjob Geode

Duets

Sing it with me now: "Total cra-a-a-aaap / Shoobie-doo-wop / Douche nugget!"

Dead Poets Society

A talented bunch, indeed, but their parties are a real snooze