Paparazzi

Hmm, from where I'm sitting, it looks more like "Poop-arazzi"

The Worm Eaters

Starring Jimmy Stewart, Jessica Tandy and Squirmy, the Nightcrawler (whom they eat... because they're dead... see, that's the joke)

Rules of Attraction

Rule #1: Be able to give me a boner.
Rule #2: Let's do it.
Rule #3: Stop talking.

Amargosa

That bitch from "The Apprentice" made a movie? Good on ya, babe. You're NOT fired!

Random Harvest

Favorite scene: when they start pulling toasters and rubber nipples out of the ground... Truly, it was a random harvest.

Transformers

While enduring the 2-and-a-half hour running time, I started to wish that my popcorn would transform into a bucket of cyanide

Transformers - WAIT, THERE'S MORE

It's got "more than meets the eye," alright - it sucks harder than a hooker at a blowjob convention

Transformers - OK, LAST ONE

Did this dialogue come from a can? Because I think it's gone bad. [please also see my "Early Review" from a few weeks ago]

Dancer in the Dark

Could someone turn on a goddamn light? I'm barking up my shins something fierce... Oh, wait - I'm blind.

Mean Creek

It flows directly into Douchebag Lake

Elmo's World: Elmo Has Two! Hands, Ears & Feet

Stop right there, Elmo - we get it, you have two of a LOT of things, but there's no need to get graphic

Alias Betty

Her other aliases include The Bettster, Bett-o-rama and Queen Bettenstein

Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont

Opening for Molly Hatchet and Bachman-Turner Overdrive

Mystery, Alaska

This movie blows - mystery solved

Cats Don't Dance

...But they sure do fry up good

The Crying Game

Boo-fucking-hoo. I win!

Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life is Calling

And the name-change clinic is on line 2

Read My Lips

Vacuum... Vacuum... Olive juice... Olive juice...

Deliver Us from Evil

Sorry, no C.O.D.'s

Uncle Saddam

He's the kind of uncle who wouldn't even give you candy after molesting you

Forces of Nature

Is crap a force of nature?

Enemy at the Gates

[naive sing-song tone] ...Who iiiiiis iiiiit?

Shag: The Movie

As seen in the body-swapping comedy entitled, "Film: The Carpet"

Good Will Hunting

If this film has taught me anything, it's that pretty-boy actors sure can write! Congrats on your Oscars, Matt and Ben! [sound of gunshot rings out through Kevin's apartment]

Indian Summer

Hey, how about a little cultural sensitivity? Instead, they should have called it "Native American Summer" or perhaps "Injun Time."