Sarah, Plain and Tall

Uh, Sarah? You might want to consider jazzing up that personals ad just a smidge

Kindergarten Cop

It's naht a gud moovie!

To the Devil a Daughter

...And to my Aunt Gladys, new panty hose!

The Day After Tomorrow

The forecast calls for crap

Purgatory House

Without a doubt, THE worst frat on campus

The Way We Were

Y'mean, thin and cute?

Spider-Man 3

Hey, could you answer that? It's the entire cast and crew of "Spider-Man 3" phoning it in. Eh, on second thought, just let the Half-Assed Movie Answering Service take a message.

Bernice Bobs Her Hair

Almost as compelling as "Gordon Shaves His Pubes" ...Almost

Air Force One

Or, according to ridiculous-looking film critic Gene Shalit, "Air Force FUN!"

The Living Dead Girl

Tina Yothers?

I Remember Mama

Who wouldn't remember her? She's a smelly, 300-pound slut. And thus begins my thoroughly unwelcome series of momma jokes. Enjoy...

Greenfingers

I got a wicked case of greenfingers the last time I fooled around with your mom [please see my review of "How Green Was My Valley?"]

Fantastic Four

If this were a film about your mom, it would be called "Fantastic Whore," and the audience would be WISHING she were invisible

The Living Daylights

You could say that I fucked [this movie's title] out of your mom last night

Eating Out

Your mom keeps asking me to watch this movie with her, but I think the whole thing smells fishy

How Green Was My Valley?

This is what your mom asked during her last gynecological exam

Brian's Song

And it goes a little something like this: "I am Brian, hear me roar / With cancer too big to ignore!" Quick question - do you think I'll be comfy in Hell?

Sex in Chains

Is there any other kind of sex?

Falling for a Dancer

You were supposed to catch me, bitch! Where did you study dance, ITT Tech?

The Wrong Man

a.k.a. "Every Guy I've Ever Dated"

The Road to Guantanamo

If you terrorists in the back seat don't behave, I will turn this car around, I swear to Allah!

A Bucket of Blood

No thanks; I'm more in the mood for a salad

Barefoot in the Park

Put on some goddamned shoes, already. I mean, I was "Pantsless at the Library" once, but I didn't make a movie about it.

Mailer on Mailer

Call me old-fashioned, but I could have done without the penetration shots

Maria Full of Grace

Or, more to the point, Maria Full of Drugs