Kramer vs. Kramer

My money's on Kramer

Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key

From the makers of "This Metaphor is Wearing Thin" and "Bloodsport 2"

Xanadu

I never knew you could spell "shit" with an X, but here you have it

The Departed

Yet another movie about Paris Hilton's underwear? [please see my review of "Gone in 60 Seconds"]

Dawn of the Dead

Every movie should feature a zombie baby. Just think how it would have livened up "Two Weeks Notice"

Mrs. Brown

Incidentally, this is what Judy Dench nicknamed her bunghole

The Hills Have Eyes, Part 2

They're remaking sequels? I guess my screenplay for "Another Stakeout" isn't looking so misguided now, is it? I'm thinking of calling it "Yet Another Stakeout" or maybe "Stakeout Loud."

Independence Day

Freedom from quality filmmaking!

C.R.A.Z.Y.

Cut it out - I know what you're spelling! Don't call me that; I'm not crazy... Cheesecake, lawn mower, shit stain...

Auntie Mame

Wife of Uncle Disfigurement

Frankenhooker

Not to be confused with Jean Renoir's "Rules of the Game," though they both involve a scene in which a bunch of prostitutes start exploding from smoking too much super-crack.

The Gay Divorcee

Gee, I wonder why the marriage didn't work out [homo]

28 Days

If you don't have a drinking problem before watching this movie, you'll develop one about halfway into its duration... but don't worry, it only FEELS like it lasts 28 days.

Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media

Is it wrong that I masturbate to this movie? Because it feels so right!

Wild Hogs

Starring three major reasons to never see a movie... as well as William H. Macy

Boys on the Side

This is how Michael Jackson orders all of his meals

Sophie's Choice

Steak or chicken? WHY, GOD, WHY?!?

Ride the High Country

i.e. "Smoke a doobie"

With Honors

If this were a porno, it would be called "With Bonors." Oh, and it would also be a thousand times better.

The Russia House

Comes with a spacious, 2-car Ukraine Garage

I, Robot

Me, unimpressed

The Most Dangerous Game

Crab soccer? Lawn jarts? Flaming crotch relay?

Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte

Followed by the inevitable sequel, "Charlotte, Shut Your Pie-Hole"

Ride with the Devil

See, I would, but the Devil never chips in for gas money. Plus, he plays that damn Enya record over and over again - y'know, there's other music in the CD changer, Satan.

My Left Foot: Special Edition

Coming soon: "My Left Foot" the video game, with high-kicking, toe-tapping action to spare!