The Big Clock

I've gotta see this movie! Oh, that says "Clock?" Never mind.

Stephen King's Cat's Eye

Wait, does the eye belong to a cat or to Stephen King? Is it on some sort of time-share deal? Does the eye have a name? May I suggest Blinky?

Ultimate Fighting Championship: Randy Couture vs. Chuck Liddell

No matter who wins, one thing's for sure: I will get my rocks off while watching.

From Here to Eternity

Last one to eternity is a rotten egg!

Captivity

Arbitrary and pretentious - this makes the "Saw" movies look like "The Grapes of" fucking "Wrath"

Marriage is a Crazy Thing

Y'know what else is a crazy thing? When you fling jars of urine at people and yell "Shazam!"

Freddy vs. Jason

Almost as bloody as Roe vs. Wade, but without all that gooey afterbirth

I Like Killing Flies

...And I like boring stories - we make quite a pair.

Hamlet

The worst thing to happen to theater since John Wilkes Booth

Allyson is Watching

I don't care what the hell Allyson is doing, I just wish she would learn how to spell her name corect-like

Hitch

If they make a sequel, it should be called "Son-of-a-Hitch."
PLEASE NOTE: I am, under no circumstances, suggesting that they make a sequel to "Hitch."

The Terminal

The Village Voice raves, "It's almost as exciting as a REAL airport waiting-room," while the New York Times compares it to a "Disease from which you will never recover."

Today You Die

Hmm, today's no good for me. See, I was planning on living all day.

Mary-Kate & Ashley: The Challenge

Shockingly, the "challenge" to which the title refers is a contest to see who can sexually satisfy more men in one day

Paparazzi

Hmm, from where I'm sitting, it looks more like "Poop-arazzi"

The Worm Eaters

Starring Jimmy Stewart, Jessica Tandy and Squirmy, the Nightcrawler (whom they eat... because they're dead... see, that's the joke)

Rules of Attraction

Rule #1: Be able to give me a boner.
Rule #2: Let's do it.
Rule #3: Stop talking.

Amargosa

That bitch from "The Apprentice" made a movie? Good on ya, babe. You're NOT fired!

Random Harvest

Favorite scene: when they start pulling toasters and rubber nipples out of the ground... Truly, it was a random harvest.

Transformers

While enduring the 2-and-a-half hour running time, I started to wish that my popcorn would transform into a bucket of cyanide

Transformers - WAIT, THERE'S MORE

It's got "more than meets the eye," alright - it sucks harder than a hooker at a blowjob convention

Transformers - OK, LAST ONE

Did this dialogue come from a can? Because I think it's gone bad. [please also see my "Early Review" from a few weeks ago]

Dancer in the Dark

Could someone turn on a goddamn light? I'm barking up my shins something fierce... Oh, wait - I'm blind.

Mean Creek

It flows directly into Douchebag Lake

Elmo's World: Elmo Has Two! Hands, Ears & Feet

Stop right there, Elmo - we get it, you have two of a LOT of things, but there's no need to get graphic