Man on Fire

...Flamer

Steve Harvey: Don't Trip... He Ain't Through with Me Yet!

Steve Harvey has so little charisma that I couldn't even finish reading this title

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

This movie comes with a free vagina wash

Tibet: Cry of the Snow Lion

Meow, I'm fucking cold, meow... Free Tibet!

Dogville

Population: your mom

Teach Me Drums

What, no "please?" Maybe they should have called it "Teach Me Some Fucking Manners"

Born Rich

...The Rich Little story, guest-starring Rich Hall and Richard Dawson

Viva Las Vegas

Memo to Ann-Margret: it's called "Decaf." Look into it.

Phat Girlz

This movie was so low-budget, they couldn't afford spell-check

Saint Ralph

Patron of quality groceries at an affordable price

Road House

To call this movie "Piss poor" would be an insult to urine

Disturbia

Tastes like "Rear Window" flavored bubble gum. Mmm, Peeper-licious!

Aeon Flux

May I suggest an alternate title: "Aeon Sux"

Mark Twain Tonight

No thanks, I feel like Chicken Tonight [echo - "Like Chicken Tonight! Like Chicken Tonight!"]

Desperate Hours

More specifically, the time between last call and whenever I resort to masturbation

Someone to Watch Over Me

Sorry, but that position is already taken by a little friend I like to call "Jesus"

The Devil at 4 O'Clock

Hi, this is the Devil's secretary calling to apologize, but we'll have to reschedule. He's got a 3:45 with Cheney and then he's off to an Amy Grant concert, so 4 o'clock just won't work.

Ice Princess

As meth addicts go, she's the most adorable

The Best of Riverdance

The good news: this movie's only three minutes long

The Keys of the Kingdom

They're hidden under the doormat of the kingdom

Goldfish Memory

Yeah, me and my buddies often get together, scarf down some cheddar Goldfish crackers and reminisce about the time we killed that hooker in Mexico... Good times...

Blind Date

You're going out with Helen Keller? That chick is def! ...Hey, where are you going?

Serving Sara

Comes with a heaping side of Regret

Love Jones

Perhaps this is a telling glimpse into my psyche, but I prefer "Non-Committal Lust Williamson"

Dreamgirls

Upon winning her Oscar, Jennifer Hudson was overheard saying, "Is it filled with chocolate? Can I trade it for a ham? I'm fat."