If I were Will Smith's agent, I would advise him to follow the success of "I, Robot" and "I Am Legend" with the poetry slam throw-down epic "Iambic Pentameter" and the Latin themed "¡Aye Carumba!"
I Am Legend
If I were Will Smith's agent, I would advise him to follow the success of "I, Robot" and "I Am Legend" with the poetry slam throw-down epic "Iambic Pentameter" and the Latin themed "¡Aye Carumba!"
H.H. Holmes: America's First Serial Killer
He wanted to be America's first pastry chef, but that milestone had already been reached. Here's to plan B!
To Live and Die in L.A.
Let's see... 236, 237 and 238... It's official! Friedkin used every single '80's cop-movie cliché in this poo magnet.
Robot Stories
It was the best of times, it was the worst of... DESTROY! DESTROY! ...Ahem, as I was saying, call me Ishmael, you lowly mortal flesh puppet... STORY MALFUNCTION - ABORT! ABORT!
**This entry was brought to you by the WGA writers' strike.
Midsomer Murders: Strangler's Wood
Choking the life out of somebody is rude enough, but to do so while sporting a massive boner is just unseemly.
People Will Talk
Y'mean millions of organisms that possess the power of speech will eventually utilize that skill? Gee, that's quite a prediction there, Nostra-Dumbass.
Star 80
Well made, but Eric Roberts is going to get a tummyache if he keeps chewing all that scenery
This Is England
Well, that explains all of the crooked dentistry and lingering Revolutionary War angst
Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry
Man, how much cocaine were they doing in the '70's, anyway? Answer: this much.
The Life Aquatic
Hmm, looks like someone thinks their shit doesn't stink. Well, I'm here to tell you, it does.
My Girl
I especially liked the scene in which the prison rape was interrupted by a shiv-a-thon... Oh, wait, that was "My Bitch." Sorry.
Basket Case
Judging from the title, I thought it would be about a sassy lawyer, played by Shaquille O'Neal. I'm so glad I was wrong.
Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
They stole my idea! I wrote a screenplay entitled "Junkies 2: Back in the Habit." Coincidence?
Bjork: Hidden Place
Not to ruin the ending, but the title refers to Bjork's cooter, which she nicknamed "Little Reykjavic." True story.
Daredevil
Ben Affleck plays a blind man in a bright red jumpsuit... I DARE you to watch the whole thing.
3:10 to Yuma
With Christian Bale and Russell Crowe aboard, it's more like the "3:10 to Yummy!"
For those of you keeping score at home, this is officially the gayest entry on my blog thus far.
Kill Me Again
You call that killing? I've met 4th graders who kill better than that (then again, I did go to public school in Maine).
Frontline: Is Wal-Mart Good for America?
This is a pretty weak doc; it's just a guy shaking his head "no" for two solid hours.
Ichi the Killer
Other highlights of Ichi's résumé include multitasking, being a real "people person" and 2 years with the Ice Capades
The Hitcher
Of all the airheaded bimbos in the history of slasher flicks, I'd say that C. Thomas Howell is the dumbest (and quite a slut, to boot)
Liberty Stands Still
This is definitely on my list of films to see, right below "Paint Drying" and "This Sore Is Getting Bigger"
10,000 Black Men Named George
Let's see, there's George Washington Carver, George Jefferson... OK, I'm tapped - who are the other 9,998?
Sunshine
Y'know what makes me happy? This movie on my shoulder.
2.8% of the proceeds from this joke will go to John Denver's widow
What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
ANSWER: His big, fat mom
OK, so I feel kind of bad about this one... But, not as bad as Fatty Mom-Burger!
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