Movies in 50 Words or Less

Bon Cop, Bad Cop

2011-01-20T15:38:00.000-08:00

A bilingual buddy cop flick from Canada? The term "merde" comes to mind.

Freeway Killer

2010-10-31T15:10:00.000-07:00

Why does he hate freeways so much?

Definitely, Maybe

2010-04-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

Make up your fucking mind, title

Nights in Rodanthe

2010-02-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

When I first saw the poster for this movie, I thought the title was "Nights in Rodan, The." True story.

The Devil Came on Horseback

2009-12-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

Ew, wipe off that horse's back, Satan.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans

2009-11-30T11:44:00.000-08:00

This title has more colons than Katie Couric

Over Her Dead Body

2009-11-10T15:20:00.000-08:00

And to think, I actually used to LIKE movies.

Life Is Hot in Cracktown

2009-09-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

But, the upside: crack

The Final Destination

2009-09-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

I was hoping that this final "Destination" would include an awesome twist - something along the lines of "This whole time, the part of death has been played by TV's original bad-boy, Richard Grieco." No such luck.

Whiteout

2009-09-07T09:25:00.001-07:00

What's more boring: liquid paper or Kate Beckinsale? Get ready for a Whiteout!

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains

2009-09-03T14:35:00.001-07:00

Or, "How I Welcome People Into My Apartment."

The Haunting in Connecticut

2009-09-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

My reaction to this film was pretty much the same as my take on living in Connecticut for two and a half years... Eh.

Young @ Heart

2009-09-03T14:32:00.001-07:00

It made me cry even more than "Space Chimps"

Doubt

2009-01-08T13:39:00.001-08:00

Molest-acular!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-01-08T13:38:00.001-08:00

Beautiful but slow, kinda like Denise Richards.

Bio Zombie

2008-04-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

His roommate: Poli-Sci Werewolf

I Am Legend

2007-12-12T21:06:00.000-08:00

If I were Will Smith's agent, I would advise him to follow the success of "I, Robot" and "I Am Legend" with the poetry slam throw-down epic "Iambic Pentameter" and the Latin themed "¡Aye Carumba!"

H.H. Holmes: America's First Serial Killer

2007-12-05T20:50:00.001-08:00

He wanted to be America's first pastry chef, but that milestone had already been reached. Here's to plan B!

To Live and Die in L.A.

2007-11-19T11:51:00.000-08:00

Let's see... 236, 237 and 238... It's official! Friedkin used every single '80's cop-movie cliché in this poo magnet.

Robot Stories

2007-11-14T18:38:00.000-08:00

It was the best of times, it was the worst of... DESTROY! DESTROY! ...Ahem, as I was saying, call me Ishmael, you lowly mortal flesh puppet... STORY MALFUNCTION - ABORT! ABORT!

**This entry was brought to you by the WGA writers' strike.

Midsomer Murders: Strangler's Wood

2007-11-08T11:16:00.000-08:00

Choking the life out of somebody is rude enough, but to do so while sporting a massive boner is just unseemly.

People Will Talk

2007-10-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

Y'mean millions of organisms that possess the power of speech will eventually utilize that skill? Gee, that's quite a prediction there, Nostra-Dumbass.

Star 80

2007-10-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

Well made, but Eric Roberts is going to get a tummyache if he keeps chewing all that scenery

This Is England

2007-10-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

Well, that explains all of the crooked dentistry and lingering Revolutionary War angst

Rashomon

2007-10-24T13:04:00.001-07:00

I liked this movie... as far as I can recall.

Sleeping with the Enemy

2007-10-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

Been there, done that

Cybermutt

2007-10-15T13:13:00.001-07:00

His bark is worse than his BYTE

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry

2007-10-15T13:12:00.001-07:00

Man, how much cocaine were they doing in the '70's, anyway? Answer: this much.

Hide and Seek

2007-10-11T18:20:00.001-07:00

Dakota Fanning's creepiest performance since "Uptown Girls"

The Life Aquatic

2007-10-11T18:18:00.001-07:00

Hmm, looks like someone thinks their shit doesn't stink. Well, I'm here to tell you, it does.

My Girl

2007-10-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

I especially liked the scene in which the prison rape was interrupted by a shiv-a-thon... Oh, wait, that was "My Bitch." Sorry.

Deliverance

2007-10-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Soooo romantic

Cold Creek Manor

2007-10-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

I once took a crap that was more entertaining than this movie

The Virgin Suicides

2007-10-07T00:52:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm disaffected. Me too! Let's be sisters!

The Dancer Upstairs

2007-10-07T00:51:00.001-07:00

Her downstairs neighbors must hate her

Basket Case

2007-10-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

Judging from the title, I thought it would be about a sassy lawyer, played by Shaquille O'Neal. I'm so glad I was wrong.

Soylent Green

2007-10-03T01:53:00.000-07:00

Let's just say that soylent green ain't exactly a vegan dish

Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit

2007-10-03T01:50:00.000-07:00

They stole my idea! I wrote a screenplay entitled "Junkies 2: Back in the Habit." Coincidence?

Things We Lost in the Fire

2007-10-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

I think I'll miss my fire insurance policy the most

Bastard out of Carolina

2007-10-01T12:59:00.001-07:00

Is there any other kind of Carolinian?

Bloodsucking Freaks

2007-09-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

The producers figured that this was a catchier title than "TMZ: The Movie"

Dance with a Stranger

2007-09-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

In my opinion, the Funky Chicken should always be done anonymously

Bjork: Hidden Place

2007-09-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Not to ruin the ending, but the title refers to Bjork's cooter, which she nicknamed "Little Reykjavic." True story.

Match Point

2007-09-26T15:35:00.001-07:00

Wildly uneven, repetitive and heavy-handed. In short, Woody Allen's best film in years!

The Loss of Sexual Innocence

2007-09-26T15:34:00.001-07:00

But, what's it about?

Daredevil

2007-09-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

Ben Affleck plays a blind man in a bright red jumpsuit... I DARE you to watch the whole thing.

Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot

2007-09-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

Not to be confused with "Pride and Prejudice"

Hatchet for the Honeymoon

2007-09-24T13:32:00.001-07:00

See, this is what happens when you don't register.

Collision Course

2007-09-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

East meets WORST

The Brothers Solomon

2007-09-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

For a one-note comedy, this bitch is severely off-key

3:10 to Yuma

2007-09-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

With Christian Bale and Russell Crowe aboard, it's more like the "3:10 to Yummy!"

For those of you keeping score at home, this is officially the gayest entry on my blog thus far.

Kill Me Again

2007-09-12T15:46:00.000-07:00

You call that killing? I've met 4th graders who kill better than that (then again, I did go to public school in Maine).

A Rumor of Angels

2007-09-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

From what I hear, she clips her wings... and that halo is NOT real, girlfriend!

Frontline: Is Wal-Mart Good for America?

2007-09-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

This is a pretty weak doc; it's just a guy shaking his head "no" for two solid hours.

Ichi the Killer

2007-08-31T21:15:00.000-07:00

Other highlights of Ichi's résumé include multitasking, being a real "people person" and 2 years with the Ice Capades

The Hitcher

2007-08-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

Of all the airheaded bimbos in the history of slasher flicks, I'd say that C. Thomas Howell is the dumbest (and quite a slut, to boot)

Liberty Stands Still

2007-08-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

This is definitely on my list of films to see, right below "Paint Drying" and "This Sore Is Getting Bigger"

Runaway Jury

2007-08-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hey, that jury stole my wallet... and my heart!

The Horse Whisperer

2007-08-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

Psst! This movie sucks.

10,000 Black Men Named George

2007-08-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

Let's see, there's George Washington Carver, George Jefferson... OK, I'm tapped - who are the other 9,998?

Bitter Moon

2007-08-28T19:03:00.001-07:00

Sample line of dialogue: "Kiss my hairy, cratered ass!"

Sunshine

2007-08-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

Y'know what makes me happy? This movie on my shoulder.

2.8% of the proceeds from this joke will go to John Denver's widow

What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

2007-08-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

ANSWER: His big, fat mom

OK, so I feel kind of bad about this one... But, not as bad as Fatty Mom-Burger!

Crackheads Gone Wild

2007-08-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

As opposed to the sedate, tea-sipping crackheads to which we're all accustomed

Speed 2: Cruise Control

2007-08-22T22:33:00.000-07:00

Comes with optional Speed 3: Anti-Lock Brakes

Black Mama, White Mama

2007-08-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

This is, word for word, how my mother introduced me to her lesbian lover(s)

Being Mick: You Would If You Could

2007-08-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

Gee, someone's full of himself. But, enough about me...

Ransom

2007-08-20T19:17:00.001-07:00

"Give me back my $10 admission fee!"

[see, I replaced "son" with something more accurate]

The Love Bug

2007-08-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

Don't sugar-coat it, doc; it's called "chlamydia"

300

2007-08-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

...That's how many boners I got while watching this homo-thon

The Strangler's Wife

2007-08-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

Honey, could you buy some more piano wire?

The Human Stain

2007-08-14T13:45:00.001-07:00

Looks like Monica Lewinsky made a movie*

*This joke expires in June, 1998

The Last Seduction

2007-08-14T13:44:00.001-07:00

No more seductions until after dinner, young man

The Devil's Advocate

2007-08-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

Supporting evil decisions since 1732

The Shape of the Moon

2007-08-14T13:35:00.001-07:00

Let me save you some time - IT'S ROUND

Ringside: The Best of Mike Tyson

2007-08-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

WARNING: May contain lots of rape

Sexual Matrix

2007-08-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

Undoubtedly, one of my favorite lessons in school - it's right up there with the Logarithm Method and the Blowjob Geode

Duets

2007-08-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

Sing it with me now: "Total cra-a-a-aaap / Shoobie-doo-wop / Douche nugget!"

Dead Poets Society

2007-08-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

A talented bunch, indeed, but their parties are a real snooze

Kinsey

2007-08-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

This movie was good, but it really needed a Chris O'Donnell-ectomy (a delicate procedure whereby the gangrenous scenes featuring Chris "Robin" O'Donnell would be excised, leaving the healthy tissue around them intact)

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

2007-08-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

Let's play a game of WORD ASSOCIATION!
Jar Jar Binks = Jar Jar Stinks

City Hall

2007-08-08T23:10:00.001-07:00

WORD ASSOCIATION #2
City Hall = Shitty balls

Crash

2007-08-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

WORD ASSOCIATION #3
Crash = preachy, self-important bowl of retardery
And thus begins my relentless campaign of Crash-bashing. Hold on tight...

Ernest Goes to Africa

2007-08-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

WAY better than "Crash"

Babel

2007-08-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

If you liked "Crash," you'll love "Babel" - and, in a related story, you probably can't dress yourself (because you're so damn stupid)

Short Circuit 2

2007-08-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

Even if you watched this film while simmering in a vat of infected dog puke, it would still be better than "Crash"

Demolition Man

2007-08-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, as long as we're doling out Oscars to shitty Sandra Bullock movies, how 'bout this nut-sucker?

Nell

2007-08-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

Nell actually loved "Crash." She said, "I'wah da bes' moovy I evah saaw!" But, of course, she's a mental defective.

The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made

2007-08-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

...And 28 of them are "Crash"

The Last American Virgin

2007-08-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

Pretty soon, we'll need to outsource our virgins, like some sort of hymen-exchange program

The Cider House Rules

2007-08-07T13:09:00.000-07:00

Eh, the cider house is OK; I wouldn't go so far as to say that it rules.

Rush Hour

2007-08-07T01:18:00.001-07:00

Finally, cinematic proof that Asians and black people are different. You've done it again, Hollywood.

Interview with the Vampire

2007-08-07T01:15:00.000-07:00

Are these references current? But, they're hundreds of years old. Why are you kissing my neck? Aaaaagh!!!
...And, scene!

Miss Marple Mysteries: A Pocketful of Rye

2007-08-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

From the people who brought you "Snoop Dogg's Throwdown: A Satchel Full of Weed" and "Lint Master 3"

I Know Who Killed Me

2007-08-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

...And pop culture just hit an all-time low. Save the date!

Hotel Rwanda

2007-08-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

Can I get a late check-out?

The Happy Hooker

2007-08-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

As seen in group therapy alongside the Manic-Depressive Panty Sniffer and Sparky, the O.C.D. Clown

The Lizzie McGuire Movie

2007-08-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

...But, I already reviewed "The Happy Hooker"

Brief Encounter

2007-07-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

A heartwarming tale about my last visit to The Faultline (although, truth be told, I actually prefer boxers)

Gorillas in the Mist

2007-07-31T19:11:00.000-07:00

What's next, sloths in the hot tub? This spa sucks.